looking, seeing and becoming real

Mutt and i look at each other alot, but he looks at me the most. i can't tell you how many times i look over from the drivers seat, and see him gazing at me. nothing makes me "present" much more than this. it's like a little electric shock goes through me. there is nothing like opening my eyes in the morning, and seeing his dark brown eyes staring patiently down at me. 


i have vague recollections of reading somewhere about pack, and dominance, and staring.  i don't remember exactly, but i think it said that a dog staring you down is trying to dominate. that you should stare back at them till they look away. i don't know about this, maybe some of the more dog-savvy can weigh in. all i know, is that Mutt and i spend an awful lot of time looking at each other, and i don't have any sense of "winning" or even of competition.  all i know is that we see each other.


i wrote a blog about one of my experiences, about seeing someone and being seen by them. take a moment today, not just to look at someone, but to see them:


http://twokniveskatie.blogspot.com/2009/02/out-of-sorts.html

my best friend. ever.

 he seriously sleeps like this sometimes. there is a story about plucky duck. it's sad though. another time, maybe.

 halloween. cleopatra, if you didn't guess. no matter, the humiliation is the same.

 he loves the van. it is his real home. sometimes when i don't know where he is, i will find him sitting next to it, just waiting.

Mutt is so patient, so zen. he asks for so little, and gives everything. i posted once before about him, just waiting:


http://twokniveskatie.blogspot.com/2009/02/waiting-for-mike.html


and here:


http://twokniveskatie.blogspot.com/2009/02/waiting-for-brakes_27.html

and for those who missed it, here is how i lucked into the best dog in the whole wide world:


http://twokniveskatie.blogspot.com/2008/03/snownose.html

the value of empty

i get a daily meditation from the tao te ching. todays was especially meaningful because it speaks to me on so many levels.

"Thirty spokes are joined together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that allows the wheel to function.

We mold clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes the vessel useful.

We fashion wood for a house,
but it is the emptiness inside
that makes it livable.

We work with the substantial,
but the emptiness is what we use."

when i first read this, i thought of my van. on my first couple cross-country trips, i was proud of how much i could fit in all the nooks and crannies, and how many valuable, useful things i could haul along while remaining organized. on my last trip, though, i began to realize the value of emptiness.....of useable space. for many of us, downsizing is an ongoing project, a renewable goal. 

the last few months have been a downsizing in many other ways. i have been doing things more mindfully and with greater focus than i am usually capable of.   it is very hard for me, slowing down the inner turmoil and the cacophony of thoughts tumbling around in my head. even when those thoughts are positive or cheerful, as they often are, the are tiring. my mind does not always feel like my own..... it is crowded and busy and all to often self-absorbed. i said to a friend not long ago "i will really attain minimalism when i can downsize my brain".

i thought of that statement again after re-reading the above meditation a few times. "we work with the substantial but the emptiness is what we use". it hit me this evening how meaningful that is to me.  i don't think i have come close to understanding it....if anything, i don't want to overthink it, and miss the whole point. for now, i'm just going to let it be what it is.

i've been really scarce on the internet lately, been on a kind of digital diet. i have been practicing slow-down kind of things (i am reluctant to use the word "meditation" in the same blog post that references my thought processes!) and i have been having some success which delights me no end. i have fallen in love all over again with knitting and have taken up colorwork which involves counting and following charts.....mindful and purposeful and satisfying.  i am appreciating simple things in a way i haven't in a long time. i am grateful for the snippets of stillness that i stumble over, when i least expect it, and i have no doubt that there will be more........

Waiting for brakes

on monday one of the extended family had an accident, and I drove them to san diego to see a specialist. On that trip I discovered I needed a brake job.

Here is mutt at the Pep Boys in El Centro.....you guessed it.....waiting.

Mutt needs a day off from the sometimes stressful job of being a loyal companion, and is going to the slabs for a day of being a carefree dog with his buddy Homer, and maybe trade some sniffing with Squirrel, Bus Dingo, and Sheriff Victoria.

Waiting for mike

I haven't blogged for awhile. We are all in Brawley, Ca, south of slab city where we have been camping in the desert. I met up with mike and heidi (of "love is blind") and several other vandwellers at the slabs and will have several posts about slab city and our adventures.

last friday, though, sweet mike was admitted to the hospital in brawley with a serious case of pneumonia. We very nearly lost him, and he is still in ICU as of this morning. We are hoping for a transfer to a regular room on a med-surg floor in the near future.

Needless to say, it has been a stressful week.there has been fear, and a lot of tears. But there has also been a lot of laughter and courage, and the reminder that love thrives, even in the darkest places.

sometimes in our human dramas, we can forget our silent companions, who wait faithfully in the wings......a lesson in acceptance and living in the moment. Mutt understands the least of where we are and why we are here, but accepts implicitly that we are not waiting for life to begin again, after this is over.......but that this is our life, our moment here and now.....the waiting.

and if biscuits and fetch and walks are fewer and farther between he is absolutely okay with that because life is what it is, regardless of what it gives you, and that alone is enough.

the first thing you see: part 2

when i am at an encampment, i usually wake up at first light. camp is silent save for the occasional nicker of a horse. on this morning, i stay in my blankets beneath the small square of oilskin that is my home for the week. i have water and jerky in my pack, and eat while i wait for the sun to rise.

this is the first thing i see as the light grows. i slow my breathing in an effort to slow time.....i do not want this moment to end. sounds around camp pick up....wood being chopped, tent stakes being hammered, dog soldiers calling out to each other. smells of woodsmoke and bacon cooking drift on the air. barefoot children gather on the pond banks, then come to squat by my shelter to show me the frog they caught. i plead amnesty for the frog....they cheerfully grant it. the sun burns off the last of the mist, and i know where i am.


i am home.